a Kind of Refugee / 22.10.2023

There are perks that come with being a versatile translator. Last weekend I went to the shooting range with a group of foreign volunteers. They’d driven from Europe in a convoy to deliver 20 vehicles to various units of Ukraine’s Armed Forces. I got to practice too.

My body still fills with fear when I handle a gun. I am afraid of my own power to kill something—to kill someone—when I’m shooting. Terrified that if I make one stupid move I could cause great harm. And I’m aware that this fear makes my movements less fluid or that my brain might spazz out, which makes me even more susceptible to inadvertently doing something dangerous.

Shooting a pistol, assault rifle or machine gun is about coordination—position, movement, timing. It’s mechanical. You practice the movements to learn their order, to get used to the weight of the gun and the force with which it fires, to find how to position your body around the weapon so that it serves your purpose.

The rifle sight knocked into my forehead on the recoil. It hurt. I was mad that I let the weapon get the better of me. Pull yourself together, lean forward, and don’t let it happen again. I could imagine myself in this angry state sending a bullet out to hit an enemy.

I lie on my stomach behind a brand new American machine gun. It’s big, heavy, and yellowish in color. After releasing the first few rounds I’ve had enough. But in shooting practice you never leave a loaded gun mid-session. You shoot through all the ammunition in your magazine—or in this case, the belt of rounds lying across my left forearm. I’m mad that there are so many bullets I still have to burn through; mad at this large, scary machine gun; and mad that I don’t know whether I’m doing it right. The bullets spit out faster and faster and I feel anger rising from my gut and out through the barrel to pucker the dirt wall behind the targets.

My first rifle shots, Summer 2023, USA

I think that every person—especially if you’re anti-gun—should learn to shoot. To get over the fear and get past your stigma. Guns are instruments. What matters is how you use them.

A firearm is a concentration of power—my power to kill or damage. Learning to use a firearm with control and finesse is empowering. Knowing how to fire a gun gives you the choice of not firing.

Shooting demands concentration, coordination and control over your own movements. Hitting your target requires stillness and clarity of mind. Achieving that state through training and practice, you discover and develop your own power. Being able to subtly control the movement of your body and attention is no small feat, though it’s a basic condition for adult life. Then you can begin to direct your power, use it, even (consciously) abuse it.

***

Twenty months since russia’s full-scale invasion. The war in Ukraine is dragging on. My friends, powerhouse women serving in the military or volunteering to keep soldiers equipped, are breaking. I’ve admired their courage, will, and endless capacity to keep going when I myself have slowed down and taken time to recuperate many times.

“There’s little joy when your whole body—and especially your hands—can’t stop shaking, the terrible pain inside, this cursed knot… I’ve been living with it since the beginning of August,” writes Sasha in an FB post encouraging others in similar situations to not delay seeking psychological support.

These strong, Soviet-raised ladies are not invincible. Neither am I. We are all vulnerable to the stresses of witnessing the daily destruction wrought by russian missile attacks and shelling, of enduring the deaths of our friends, defenders and compatriots, and watching our partners abroad get tired of supporting Ukraine.

I feel betrayed by the people of the West. Betrayed by NATO, which refused to make a firm commitment to Ukraine’s membership this past summer. Betrayed by Americans, who suddenly decided in large numbers that Ukraine’s defense isn’t worth funding anymore.

Hey Americans, what were you thinking a year ago when you were so certain about supporting Ukraine? Have you changed your mind about genocide? Has defending democracy become less important? Have the threat of russian expansion and the threat of russia’s impunity emboldening other authoritarian powers to ignore international agreements disappeared? I think they are only growing.

***

“When I came to you with those calculations, we thought we might start a chain reaction that would destroy the entire world... I believe we did.” These words land heavily at the end of Oppenheimer, the film about the invention of the atom bomb that was released last summer. Oppenheimer’s reflection corroborates what we know all too well in 2023: that humans since the 20th century have done something to ensure their own demise. Many things, in fact, not only inventing nuclear weapons.

The US detonated its atomic bombs over Japan in August 1945, wiping out hundreds of thousands of civilians. The US chose to demonstrate its power against its declared enemy, while failing to use its power prevent the USSR (its declared ally) from developing its own nuclear arsenal.

With great power comes great responsibility. The American people are confident about their power. They’re less consistent with their responsibility. Without a clear sense of what matters, what’s worth fighting for, wielding immense power is terrifying. We made mistakes, said President Biden in his recent speech, acting in rage after 9/11. So we urge caution and practice restraint.

Israel must practice restraint because it can practice restraint. This is also the prerogative of independence.

Ukraine does have its own culture of war (see this fascinating essay by Mick Ryan), which is visible in the way Ukrainians treat their prisoners of war and in their insistence on fighting the russian military rather than mirroring the enemy’s tactics of terrorizing civilians. But Ukraine’s independence is hindered by a lack of military power, which compromises our political power.

Sometimes I wonder if Western people aren’t primarily afraid of exercising their own power. They are afraid to use it, as if they were afraid to expose themselves as “bad” people. An adult person who cannot use their power is in a bad way, for they cannot function independently. We must not valorize incapacity—though we must certainly respect it. And use our power to support those who need it.

PS I am committed to the development of Ukraine’s military industrial complex. So our president does not need to keep traveling around the world begging for military aid. It is demeaning to keep knocking on doors and when they open you have to be charming and smile and then find just the right moment to be sharp and firm and incisive and make your pitch. Here’s mine to you: The Zli Ptakhy (Angry Birds) have been producing a powerful combat drone of their own design while modeling an effective form of military–civilian partnership for nearly a year. You can help them fly!

Paypal: heroesukraine.org@gmail.com (Illia Shpolianskiy)

Credit card & other options: https://zlyizbir.org.ua/en/